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A massage for my sister after a biking trek.

When they got to my condo door and I opened it, the tension was sudden and so thick you could practically see it. John and I looked at each other and said hello, neither of us making eye contact. Jane looked at me, then at him, then back at me.

"OHMYGOD! You guys are dating again! Oh my god! Oh my god! This is sooo great!" Janey was gushing. Her eyes were wide and she got excitedly animated. John looked at her with a very cute expression of panic on his face. I wished that we really were dating again. I was going to MAKE my wish come true!

Jane looked at me and said, "Uhh, I gotta go." She looked at her nonexistent watch and continued, "I forgot...I have a thing. Mariah, tomorrow you and me are going to have a long talk!"

John panicked again and said, "Jane, we just got here." He's no dummy. He knew she had no prior engagement.

"Can't stay," she exhaled, "gotta go! Sorry. Maybe next time." She gave us both a hug, then turned and left. I could have kissed her.

Janey was the only person who had remained my friend in the aftermath of John's and my breakup. She knew everything about me and I guess she knew John pretty well too. With her excited observation she gave me more hope than ever.

John looked at me with a sheepish expression and asked, "Well, what do we do now?"

"I have a couple of ideas," I responded with a grin I hoped was sexy.

"Uhhh, maybe we should talk for a bit." I could tell by the way he said it that he was afraid. Janey must have been his lifejacket and, now that she was gone, he was at my mercy. Janey had given me an opportunity and I was going to grab it. I was not going to screw this up!

"Alright." We went to the couch and sat down. "What do you want to talk about?"

"The night we broke up."

My heart skipped a beat when he said that. I did not want to relive the worst day of my life. "...Alright," I replied in a somewhat weaker voice.

He paused with a thoughtful expression on his face, then he asked the question I feared in a very haunted tone: "Why did you do it, Mariah? What did I do wrong? Was I...bad at it or something?"

"Oh god! No! No, you were not "bad at it." You didn't do anything wrong. Not a thing. Don't you ever think that you did!"

"Then why wasn't I enough for you?"

He was enough for me now. I guess at the time he wasn't, or I would not have cheated on his so readily. I honestly didn't know why. I considered making something up, something to ease him and soothe his ego, but I decided against it. If he was going to take me back there would have to be trust and understanding. Lying now would sabotage my efforts.

"You know, I've thought about that night over and over again and I've wondered why myself. I really don't know. I can only say that I'm..." My voice caught in my throat then. Apologizing has always been hard for me, no matter how much I meant it. To be wrong was a horrible thing to me. To admit it was worse. That showed weakness. I despised being weak. This served me well in business, but right now I knew it was time to swallow my pride. "I'm so very sorry. I really am."

John looked at me with that hurt look I hate to see on him, especially knowing I had caused it. I resolved to fix that if I could weather this conversation. "How do I know it won't happen again?"

"Well, I guess you really can't. You certainly have good reason not to trust me. All I can do is try to earn your trust again, cross my fingers and hope that it's enough. Is there anything I can do to help with that? I'll do anything."

Somehow I managed to keep myself from crying. I was very proud of that. John buried his face in his hands and I saw him shake. He was quiet, trying to hide his sobs, but he couldn't hide it from me. I wanted to take him in my arms, hold him against me and say whatever it took to comfort him, but I was afraid to.

He looked up at me with tear filled eyes.

Let me be very clear on this.

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